Santa Claus Is Coming To Frown

Bless his heart. The poor man is incredibly busy right now. He’s making lists and checking them twice. He’s overseeing the massive production of millions of toys. He’s getting the reindeer in shape, filing flight plans, pouring over the most efficient way to cover the entire world in one night. And now he also has to fend off criticism about his appearance?

It’s tough to be Santa Claus. Last week the Surgeon General of the United States said that Santa needed to go on a diet. Santa is a bad role model for all the children he comes in contact with. What we need is not a jolly, roly-poly Santa, but a thin, healthier, weight conscious Santa.

I suppose if you are the Surgeon General, you would take your job of being very serious about health issues; well, very seriously. And overweight children are no joke. But let’s just leave Santa out of this issue, shall we?

The man does a lot of good. He’s a little heavy, yes. But depending on whose research you believe, he is anywhere from more than two hundred to more than two centuries old. Maybe Santa should be giving us some healthy living tips.

He is environmentally conscious. He doesn’t use gasoline or diesel to get around. You never hear about a chemical spill or fire caused by Santa or his workers. The news isn’t full of toy recalls coming out of Santa’s workshop. Elves don’t go on strike because of bad working conditions at the North Pole, a minor miracle considering that it is at the North Pole.

The Humane Society doesn’t have to investigate complaints of animal abuse. There was that one time when the other reindeers were being mean to Rudolph, calling him names and not letting him play with them; but Santa put a stop to that pretty quickly.

Santa enforces good behavior among our children. He gets them into bed early on those frantic nights right before Christmas, when it is the most important that they behave the best. Let’s face it. We are all exhausted right before Christmas. Our kids get treats they normally wouldn’t, and are around all the relatives and friends they don’t usually see. The kids are hyper from excitement and exhaustion. But when they normally would be at their worst, just a reminder about Santa settles them into well behaved little ladies and gentlemen.

Santa seems like a pretty smart guy to me. He manages to handle a multi-dimensional empire all year long and only makes the news once a year. Not one reindeer has come forward with a scandal. Not one elf. Mrs. Claus hasn’t asked Dr. Phil for help with her marriage, or cried on Oprah’s couch.

I think we ought to just leave Santa’s waist line alone. With all the good he accomplishes, the man deserves his milk and cookies.